Christmas in July and Big Sister Evangeline

 As Evangeline’s shirt implies, she will soon be a big sister! Mimi and I are expecting a new baby around July 25^th (Christmas in July, as Mimi is fond of saying). Mimi thinks it’s a boy, I think it’s a girl.

It sure would be easier on me if it was a girl. I already know all the names of the Disney princesses, how to (kinda) match girl clothes and have gathered the importance of chocolate in coaxing even a toddler female. With a boy I would need to prepare myself for that whole locking horns thing you see on Bambi, start watching NASCAR and develop a healthy appreciation (if there is such a thing) of monster trucks.

But whatever you are, baby P-nut, you are ready for a ride. I’ve decided to write a short guide to prepare you for what’s in store in the Perreault house.

(1) Your house will never be clean—Nope, it’ll be an absolute mess. It’s not just that your Dad and Mom are busy people but that your big sister is certifiably destructive. If you want the house clean, most likely you’ll have to clean it. Be prepared to step on downed LEGO towers, and petrified Cheerios. This state of affairs is also probably a result of #2.

(2) The Perreaults never stop moving—And I mean that in the most literal way possible. We wake up, we work all day, we play hard. And by play hard, it should be clear that your Dad runs marathons and your sister pretty much does the same (measured in circles run around our kitchen table).

Sleeping doesn’t necessarily stop us. Your Dad doesn’t always sleep (not healthy) and your sister….Well, lets put it this way. I tucked your sister to bed two nights ago and then in the morning when I went to wake her up I found the furniture in the room had been rearranged and she was sleeping naked under her desk. ???

(3) You will be inundated with books—You’d better like books because they’ll be coming down around your ears. I don’t even know how many bookshelves we have at our house—in part because we’ve begun using furniture not meant for books, for books anyway. Want to read some Gramsci? On it. Prefer less Marxist, more contemplative. Dostoevsky on the way. Remembered that you’re a baby? Oh yeah, that. We’ve more Sandra Boynton, Dr. Seuss and Llama Llama than you can shake a stick at.

Also, we have reading time every night. You’ll be expected to chill-the-heck-out for the short period of time in which this occurs. This will include chapter books like Anne of Green Gables, Wizard of Oz and Peter Pan & Wendy.

Also we get three newspapers. Three. Breakfast time with newspapers is sacred. Trod carefully when you want to do puzzles or dance to the Belly Button song during breakfast.

(4) Hope you like school—That’s pretty much all we do is school and we love it. We’ll expect you to love it to or we’ll think you’re weird. Your Mom and Dad both are academics and spend an awful lot of time thinking about big ideas and figuring out how to communicate those to students. So no, we will not let you be that kid in class staring at your (crotch) smartphone while the professor is lecturing.

(5) Did we mention breakfast is sacred? We also make awesome breakfast. In recent years, I’ve been in charge of egg tacos and your Mom has been in charge of pancakes. They each happen about once a week. Are you excited? You should be.

(6) Your sister loves you—This mostly likely will be expressed in early years by drawing a Hitler mustache in marker on your face, dressing you like a princess or grabbing you by the hand and forcibly maneuvering you toward whatever activity she thinks you should do.

You Mom and I have been talking about you with Evangeline. We point to your Mom’s belly and say, “This is your baby brother/sister.” Evangeline is pretty indignant and points to her own belly saying, “No, my baby brother/sister right here.” As you can see, she’s more than willing to carry you herself.

(7) You will have killer clothes—Let me just do some math for you. You have three aunts. Three (Edgerly, Sarah and Catelyn). They’re all beautiful and they know how to make you beautiful (or handsome). Also you have three (four kinda) grandmothers and a grand-nana. They all will ensure that you are just killing it for pictures. Not to mention a stylish momma.

(8) Yes, your stuffed animals do talk—Don’t be ridiculous. Just because you hear a strange voice and my mouth is moving doesn’t mean I’m making the sounds. It’s totally coming from your stuffed animal. Also, your stuffed animals have attitude and typically take your parents side in any dispute. It’s just a coincidence.

(9) There will be a lot of music in your life—Notice I didn’t say “good” music. We all sing a lot. What we lack in talent, we make up for with enthusiasm. You should see me do air guitar while singing Bob Seger. Scratch that. You will. So just wait for it expectantly. Also we sometimes do awkward, very white, three-person dances. These are occasionally followed by piggyback rides. 

(10)               We love you—We’re not perfect, God knows. You could have won the lottery and ended up as the child of some rich, recently retired Silicon Valley tycoon but nope you’re with us. What we lack in funds and societal sex appeal, I think we make up in compassion and care for each other. You are coming into a loving house. We can’t wait to meet you.